The Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

1). Sometimes, I think this whole blogging/social media world is a crock of shit and I want nothing to do with it.

2). I have an inch-wide keloid scar on the center of my chest, right below my collar bone. Five years ago, it developed out of virtually nowhere, and after numerous tests ruling out skin cancer and other scary things, my dermatologist told me it will probably be there forever unless I pay thousands of dollars in laser treatments. I've already done two and they didn't seem to accomplish anything. I usually wear shirts that cover it, partly because it is sun-sensitive but mostly because I think it is ugly and I don't want people to stare at it. When I wear a lower-cut shirt, I cover the scar with a bandaid.

3). My biggest fear is infertility. I have no medical or biological reason to be concerned, but that doesn't prevent me from worrying about it. Last week, I thought I might be pregnant (we aren't trying) and although the timing isn't currently right for us, I secretly hoped the test would reveal a positive sign. It didn't, and while I felt relief, I also swallowed a feeling of disappointment and anxiety.

4). I struggle with body image. I quietly battled a brief eating disorder the summer before I left for college. I obsessively counted calories and monitored my weight gain/loss. At the time, I was five feet tall and 110 pounds.

5). I am the most sensitive person I know. When I think someone might be mad or upset with me, my face becomes very hot and I feel sick to my stomach. I hate confrontation and keep a lot of emotions inside. I spend significant time in self-reflection mode. Often, this results in my emotions boiling up until I break down.

6). I am not crafty or a D-I-Y-er. I'd rather buy it than make it.

7). I am bridled by heavy student loan debt  from graduate school. It stresses me out almost every single day.

8). I love my profession, but I worry that people don't respect me or my intelligence when they hear what I do, even though I hold it in such high regard.

9). I wish bloggers would talk more about "hot topics" like politics and religion because I think these subjects are both fascinating and revealing. It makes me sad that [bloggers] seemingly worry about losing readers or alienating and offending people instead of having honest and open discourse. And because I stand by what I just said, I identify as a very liberal democrat who believes in God but doesn't belong to any organized religion. Faith is an extremely personal thing for me and the only time I question it, is when others use it to judge or condemn.

10). I wish I didn't care what other people think of me, but I do. I'm a chronic "pleaser" and it can be exhausting.

11). To end on a lighter note, "stationery" refers to paper goods and "stationary" refers to remaining still or idle. "Sneak peak" is incorrect, as is the use of the word "pouring" when you utilize it in a phrase such as "pouring over a book." FYI: It's "peek" and "poring." Yes, I judge your grammar.

*I've had a half-written version of this post sitting in my draft folder for weeks. After reading the collection of "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" posts on several other blogs today, I finally felt brave enough to publish it.